The Return Trip
by gluten elbows
Summary: After defeating Gaia, the Argo 2 crew is in for a week long return trip. Watch as Jason ships Perico, Hazel meets Siri, and a certain Leo Valdez eats some potato patties! Nicotatoes included.
1. Hazel meets Siri

**A/N Here's a cute set of seven stories, following the crew of the Argo 2 on the week long return to Camp Half Blood after defeating Gaia. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson setting, characters or events. Just the cupcakes :)**

**Story 1: Hazel meets Siri**

The Argo 2 was on its way back to Camp Half-Blood, and the crew was getting restless. After battling demonic Mother Earth one day, a nice week-long trip home sounded pretty boring. That is, until Hazel discovered the iPhone...

"WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?" Hazel shrieked as Siri gave her directions to the nearest Taco Bell. Everyone on board ran to her cabin, clad in armor and ready to kill whatever monster had gotten onto the ship.

"Hazel, what's wrong?" Frank asked, currently assuming the form of the fiercest animal known to mankind: a Canada goose. This only caused Hazel to scream more, and the iPhone was promptly launched at the bird's head, who blacked out. She'd secretly had a crippling phobia of geese ever since... _The incident. _

"Turn left in 403.92 nautical miles," Siri chirped in her synthesized voice. Hazel tried to climb out the porthole, only to be pulled back in my Piper.

"Hazel... Are you actually _scared_ of Siri?" she asked in disbelief as the girl cowered in the corner, hissing at the device.

"IT HAS A _NAME_?" she bellowed. The crew exchanged wary looks. Suddenly, a 5 foot tall satyr jumped through the porthole, a baseball bat leaning on his shoulder.

"What needs killing, cupcakes?" Coach Hedge asked, waving the bat around.

"I found 12 pastry shops, 1 of them is fairly close to you." Siri said, prompted by the mention of baked goods.

"Whh-aat?" The coach said, searching for the British accent. The demigods, with the exception of Hazel, face palmed. Annabeth, however, seemed bothered by Siri's statement.

"Um, Wise girl?" Percy said to his girlfriend, clearly bothered by the distant look in her eyes she only gets when she's thinking too hard. She turned to him, before saying,

"Why would there be a pastry shop in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?" she asked.

"ANNABETH, BE QUIET! DON'T LISTEN TO THAT INFERNAL DEVICE!" Hazel begged, anxious to get Siri's lies out of their heads.

"The Infernal Devices, written by Cassandra Clare in August 31 of-" Siri began as Hazel resumed screaming. Frank, after regaining consciousness and morphing back into human form, picked up the white iPhone. He scanned the room. Hazel was still shuddering in the corner, disgust evident on her face as she glared at the Apple product. Annabeth and Percy were in deep discussion about… Monsters Doughnuts? Jason and Piper were making out (no surprise there) and Coach Hedge was waving his bat at the device. And Nico? No one ever knows where Nico is...

"OKAY, MEETING IN THE MAIN ROOM!" He yelled, and the group went upstairs.

* * *

It took quite a bit of coaxing to get Hazel upstairs, but when he promised they would be sacrificing Siri to the gods, the daughter of Pluto smiled suspiciously and eagerly agreed, casting a menacing glare at the phone and whispering something under her breath.

The crew sat around the big table, the slightly dented iPhone sitting at the centre. Annabeth explained what the _Hades_ Siri is to the rest of the crew.

"Siri is an intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator which works as an application for Apple Inc.'s iOS. The application uses a natural language user interface to answer questions, make recommendations, and perform actions by delegating requests to a set of Web services." Annabeth said, quoting Wikipedia word for word.

"Correct," Siri said. "I am your personal interactive device."

Hazel barely contained her shiver of fear.

"Can we kill it now?" she whispered, careful not to let the phone catch onto her plan. "It knows things. Terrible things."

"Hazel Levesque's statement is accurate." The phone began, causing Hazel to whimper. "I know all your secrets."

Jason burst out laughing.

"Are you telling me," He began, "That this... This iPhone knows everything?"

"Do you doubt me?"

"Kinda."

Instantly, a certain son of Hades shadow traveled onto the table, his feet landing firmly on the phone, which miraculously didn't break. Must've been the screen protector, those things are like_ "I just bathed in the River Styx"_ indestructible.

"I will begin with you, infidel," Siri said in a dangerously calm tone. The crew looked at her expectantly. Jason, however, caught onto her drift.

"Um Nico, say sorry to Siri and back away slowly." he said, the image of his least favourite love god imprinted in his head.

"What?" Nico asked, oblivious to the fact that the iPhone was about to tell everyone on the Argo 2 his darkest secret. Being the idiot he is, Nico didn't say sorry and just attempted to run out of the room.

"Not so fast, Ghost King." Siri said, commanding the doors to slam shut and lock. While Nico pounded his fists on the metal, Leo jumped up and began questioning the application.

"How did you do that? You work like Festus? If I buy an iPhone and hook it up to my sphere..." the mechanic's mind whirled. Siri wasn't in the mood, and went back to intimidating Nico.

"You haven't told them, have you?" Siri taunted. "Your deepest secret, hidden fear. The reason you run away..." Nico gulped.

"The one you love is..."

"MITT ROMNEY!" Jason blurted before Siri ruined literally everything. The search term thankfully overrode the phone's A.I. and she began rambling about the 2012 Republican electoral candidate.

"Willard Mitt Romney (born March 12 1947) is an American businessman..."

"Thank Hades," Nico muttered. Frank seemed disturbed by this fact. Piper got really excited.

"I SHIP YOU MICO!" The daughter of Aphrodite screeched. "I SHIP IT SO HARD!"

...And Piper passed out from fingerling. Who knew?

Finally, Hazel had had enough of this obnoxious Siri. No one ships her brother and Mitt Romney together. No one but her. With a battle cry of "FOR SOCIETY!" Hazel lunged at the device and swung her imperial gold sword, her cries of rage echoing through the room. The screen protector deflected the blow, creating a shower of sparks. This lead to the boat catching fire.

After a couple hours of Percy summoning waves to drown the flames, and Leo shimmying with the moves of a pro in the blazing heat, the Argo 2 was finally back to its original condition... Well, other than the fact that Nico was whimpering at the top of the mast, trying to put as much distance between him and the dreaded A.I..

Hazel, however, was laughing maniacally as she tortured the device.

"Ouch." Siri declared without emotion as Hazel dropped her in the ice-cold water of the Atlantic, before Leo went all "FLAME ON." At last, it was too much for the application. With a final dying breath, Siri said,

"I love Obama..." And Siri passed on, her spirit floating to the Underworld.

* * *

Annabeth had been watching the day unfold, and frankly, she was happy it was over. The crew was back to normal (aside from Nico still trembling on the ship's mast). Unfortunately, when she walked by Hazel's room, she couldn't help but notice that she was contacting the Underworld, more precisely, her father, King of the Underworld.

"Yes dad, I'm sure Siri deserves this punishment. Yes, pictures of Obama kissing Mitt Romney's feet. _Everywhere_. OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO THE FIELDS OF PUNISHMENTS... pwetty pwease? Thanks Daddykniz. BYE!"

Annabeth had nightmares of a certain Siri cursing in the Underworld in a realm where Mitt Romney was supreme ruler.


	2. Jason ships Perico

**A/N Ever since reading the House of Hades, I've always wondered how Jason felt about Nico's secret. Here's one possibility… *smiles evilly.***

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson setting, characters or events. The fates are cruel like that :P**

At Camp Jupiter, Jason was always viewed as a leader. Strong. Courageous. He didn't have time to be a normal teenage guy... well, a normal _demigod _teenage guy.

Fortunately, the Argo 2 gave him a chance to not be the "oh so mighty son of Jupiter." Everyone on the ship was a powerful demigod, whether it be Percy's control of 70% of the planet's surface, Annabeth's "I can currently kill you in 221 ways," or Leo's whole _FLAME ON_ business.

Unfortunately, the _other_ teenage side of Jason Grace was threatening to take over. Ever since that awkward visit to Cupid, the demigod had found himself secretly shipping Nico and Percy. He was currently forming a plan to get them together, which he deemed "Operation; Perico."

* * *

"JASON GET THE HADES DOWN HERE!" Nico yelled at the son of Jupiter after finding the word "Perico" written all over the stable walls.

Again.

To be honest, Nico didn't understand what this whole "Perico" business meant. Or what the "Operation; Perico" was. But ever since the visit to Cupid (whom he was still planning to hunt down and slaughter) Jason Grace had been acting very strange.

First had been the whole "We're here to support you" talk. Nico never really opened up to anyone, not even to Hazel, but having the option made Nico feel... less lonely? He didn't know, really, but he couldn't help but fear that the rest of the crew wouldn't be as supportive.

Secondly, Jason kept pushing him into Percy. Everywhere he went; next thing you know, he'd be tumbling into Percy's strong, muscular, sexy- *cough* arms. And of course, there would be Jason, suspiciously smiling at them.

Third was the invention of Jason's favorite new word, Perico. He wrote it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The rest of the crew was getting suspicious, although had Piper already identified the ship name and had gotten into the habit of squealing when she saw the two of them together. You'd almost think she's a stereotypical Aphrodite girl.

Nico waited two more minutes for Jason to get his butt to the stables. When he didn't show up, Nico opted to send a couple undead skeleton warriors.

"Serve me," the Ghost King whispered, "and bring me the son of Jupiter." The undead soldiers nodded, and a girly scream that was undoubtably Jason's echoed through the ship very quickly.

"NICO!" Jason screeched. "SAVE ME!" The hero jumped into Nico's arms, and was quickly dumped to the floor.

"You have 20 minutes to get this," he said, gesturing to the Perico engravings, "off the walls. You _know _this is Annabeth and Percy's favorite part of the ship."

"But..." Jason began, his hands already aching from the prospect of erasing the black sharpie markings. He needed to come up with an excuse. Fast.

"It's permanent marker!" He finished. Nico just smiled... but the kind of smile that translated into "I will crush you like a petty ant."

"Is there a problem Grace?" Nico said, beckoning the undead closer. They growled at him. Jason whimpered, playing with the idea of screaming for Piper. He came to a conclusion that it wouldn't be manly.

"No Nico."

* * *

Leo was peacefully being Leo... that is, tinkering with his sphere, trying to keep the Argo 2 on course, chatting with Festus and causing the occasional explosion. But of course, he _had _to be disturbed by his best friend.

"LEO! Can you help me?" Jason asked, fluttering his eyelashes like a teenage girl. Leo wasn't impressed.

"Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean you can flirt with me to make me do stuff," the mechanic began. "I'm not that desperate. And never will be."

Jason took serious offense to this, and mentally added Leo to his "Demigod Hit-List," ranking him number 3. Nico, of course, was first. Which brings him to why he was here, rather than making out with Piper...

"I need help getting a lock." he said. Leo raised an eyebrow at this.

"Do I want to know why?" Leo asked, but the slightly psychotic look on Jason's face told him no, he really didn't want to.

"Please?" Jason said, once again fluttering his eyelashes. This made him look like he was having face spasms.

_Anything to get him to leave me alone, so I can figure out how to free her... _Leo thought, his mind drifting to the goddess on the island of no return.

"Fine." Leo said, reaching in his tool belt to pull out an ordinary combination lock. He threw it at the other demigod.

Jason pouted. "This is it? No... like, lasers? Explosives? Nothing?"

Leo pulled out his biggest hammer and said "I don't really trust you with anything like that. Is there a problem?"

Jason, noticing how Leo was waving his battle weapon threateningly, took this as a hint and left.

* * *

Nico was getting suspicious. Yes, he supposed forcing Jason to clean walls for three hours was a little harsh. And by now, Nico felt there should have been at least _one _attempt of revenge. Unless Jason was being defaced by Piper...

"Nico, can you get the extra ambrosia out of the closet?" Piper asked, her voice lofting through the air like sweet perfume. Suddenly, Nico really wanted to go to the closet. In fact, he should really be going right now!

The moment he went into the closet, he was roughly shoved in. The door slammed shut, and he could hear the confirming click of a lock being shut.

"Hello?" he asked. _Piper and her stupid charm speak,_ he thought.

"Hello Nico," Jason's voice said from the other side of the door. "Why, are you trapped in a closet?"

~Oh gods, he was going to _kill _Jason when he got out.

"Are you feeling restricted by the limits of being locked in the closet? Perhaps, unable to be yourself?"

~And feed his spirit to Cerberus.

"Do you know that there's one simple solution?"

~He never asked his dad for anything. Surely the eternal damnation of a stupid demigod would be a valid birthday gift...

"Come out of the closet Nico!"

* * *

Frank walked into the main room, only to see the former Praetor of Rome talking to... the supply closet?

"Come out of the closet Nico!" Jason said. Did he_ lock Nico in a closet?_

_"_Um Jason, have you trapped Nico in a closet?" Frank asked innocently. The son of Jupiter turned to face him.

"Yes. Is there a PROBLEM?" Jason bellowed, causing the buff son of Mars to wince.

"YES THERE IS A PROBLEM YOU IDIOT!" Nico screeched from the closet, the muffling of the sound saving their eardrums.

"Er... Jason?" Frank began again. "Are you trying to make Nico... come out of the closet?" If so, this was symbolism gone _way_ too far.

"What do you think, Zhang?" Both demigods yelled. But of course, Jason was missing one important factor.

"How the Hades is he supposed to walk out of a locked closet?" Frank questioned. Jason turned a very significant shade of red... clearly he hadn't thought of this possibility.

"Well..." Jason began.

"And can't Nico, I don't know, shadow travel out?" Frank asked. The red tint became clearer.

In a few seconds, a very angry son of Hades was in the process of beating up a very scared son of Jupiter. Frank did the appropriate thing: he ran for it.

* * *

The crew of the Argo 2 sat at the dinner table. Everything seemed once again normal, other than the fact that Jason had a new black eye and other significant injuries. Nico also seemed quite pleased with himself.

"What happened?" Percy asked. Frank, Jason and Nico exchanged looks.

"I tried to make Nico come out of the closet," Jason said.

And the Argo 2 sailed into the night, while Nico tied Jason on the mast and sacrificed him to a sea monster.


	3. Annabeth hates Slang

**A/N: In this chapter, Annabeth reacts to internet slang. Dictionaries included. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson characters, settings or events.**

Piper had somehow convinced Annabeth to watch some TV with her. The daughter of Athena only agreed after Piper promised she'd get rid of the blackma- sorry, video of Percabeth having one of their moments. So here they were, both girls sitting on the couch in the main room, a 54 inch plasma TV in front of them.

"Remind me why we have a television?" Annabeth asked, confused to why the (possibly) most monster attracting demigods of the planet had a monster attracting device that declared "FREE FOOD!"

Piper shrugged. "Leo said something about the horrors of missing an episode of Pretty Little Liars."

For some reason, this didn't surprise her. When she signed off a letter to her dad with the initial "-A," Leo ran around the Argo 2 shrieking "She's BACK!" before he settled the problem by burning the letter. Needless to say, Annabeth always signed as Annabeth from now on.

"Ah."

Piper clicked the ON button on the remote, and a strange show came on. Five girls, around the age of 18, were sitting next to a high school, all synchronized from their pink outfits to white iPhones clad in One Direction cases. Annabeth and Piper visibly shivered.

"What is this?" Annabeth asked.

"Not Pretty Little Liars," Piper said.

On the TV, one of the chicks began screaming in a false high pitch voice, momentarily dragging her attention away from the phone.

**"****LOL. Look of the pic Dylan just sent me!" she screeched, "He's shirtless!"**

**Four blond heads whipped towards her, fighting to see the Snap chat.**

Annabeth, however, looked even more confused. "What?" she asked Piper. Piper laughed, and talked slowly and clearly as though communicating with a toddler.

"Dylan obviously has a six pack." she said.

Annabeth waved her hand dismissively. "Ya, ya, I'm not that dumb. I was talking about the acronym she used."

Piper thought for a moment. "Oh, you mean LOL?" Annabeth nodded. "Laugh out loud, obviously." She turned to check if Annabeth was joking. The daughter of wisdom looked very troubled by this definition.

"...But she didn't laugh out loud," she whimpered, only to be interrupted by one of the TV characters.

**"****He's, like, the, like, Shawn of our school!" one of the girls said, greeted with nods from her friends. **Annabeth looked at the girls as if they where speaking fluent Portuguese (which she can't speak, if you didn't catch my drift).

"I thought his name was Dylan!" Annabeth said, looking at Piper for the reason behind this. Piper just sighed.

"Shawn means attractive guy." she said, shaking her head.

"But..." Annabeth began, but one of the blonds beat her to it.

**"****I think I should ask him to the Winter Formal," the girl said confidently, while reapplying her red lipstick. This caused the other girls to go into hysterics.**

**"****DO IT ASHLEY!" they said," But make sure to JBY!"**

Piper heard the sound of protest that came out of Annabeth's mouth.

"JBY means Just Be Yourself." Piper said, only to hear Annabeth snort and mutter something about beaches. But their attention was stolen by Ashley walking away, and the remaining four creating a team huddle filled with whispers.

**"****We need to take her down, girls." the leader of the group said. The others answered with a "totes, Hailey." **

**"****But," Hailey began, "FYI, Dylan is mine."**

Annabeth turned to Piper. "FYI?"

"For Your Information," the demigod replied.

The two resumed watching the show smoothly, Annabeth choosing to ignore whatever acronyms she didn't understand. It wasn't until the end, when a short preview to the next episode aired, did any problems occur.

Hailey was lying on top of Ashely's unconscious body, a kitchen knife hovering over her heart.

**"****Sweet dream, A," Hailey whispered. "After all, YOLO." And the knife plunged into Ashely's chest. **

* * *

Several thing happened at once. First of all, Leo (who happened to have been sitting there the entire time, munching on popcorn), screamed.

"A's BACK!" he yelled, his entire body engulfed with fire. He ran out of the room after flaming the sofa and breaking down the door, too in shock to realize that he only needed to twist the handle.

Secondly, Nico (who had randomly appeared) began to sob, mourning the death of Ashely who he claimed has his celebrity crush. This took Piper by surprise, who said,

"But she's not a gu-"

*A/N: If you are wondering why she didn't finish her sentence, it was because Nico had already summoned undead warriors and told them to feast on her flesh like tuna casseroles. *

Lastly, Annabeth couldn't handle this lack of knowledge. Even if it was garbage, the feeling of just not knowing was making her go crazy.

"WHAT THE HADES DOES YOLO MEAN!" she demanded. No answer came from Piper, who was more focussed on staying alive than answering Annabeth's questions. Go figure.

Annabeth did get an answer, however. Percy came running to the main room, fearing some monster had gotten on the ship. After 20 minutes of calming down Annabeth, thwarting Nico's plan of murdering Piper (he did so by fluttering his eyelashes) and putting out the fires left in Leo's trail, things were back to normal... ish.

"You want to know what YOLO means?" Percy asked, shocked that his know-it-all girlfriend somehow hadn't heard the slang. Annabeth gave him _the look, _and Percy fought the urge to run out of the room and pee his pants.

"It means You Only Live Once, Wise Girl." he said. Annabeth looked offended.

"That little beach, Hailey, used it in that context?" she asked.

"Yup." Piper responded.

A/N: I'd like to say it ends there. Unfortunately, Annabeth's mind snapped. This improper use of grammar, all these acronyms and the insult of girls with blond hair was too much. The daughter of Athena, intoxicated in her moment of rage, seized a dictionary and flung it at the television. Leo reappeared into the room, and made a lunge to protect his beloved TV. He was too late, however. The screen was smashed into a thousand small pieces, and Leo let out a cry of loss.

"My child," he whispered, before falling unconscious. That was because Annabeth had flung another dictionary at his head.

"ANNABETH, WHY WOULD YOU-" Piper screeched, until she too crumbled into the darkness, an innocent dictionary open beside her.

Now, there was just Nico and Percy left for victims. Percy (for some reason unknown to the world) took off his shirt, instantly causing Nico to faint. The son of Poseidon looked at Annabeth pleadingly, but even he wasn't spared.

"Sweet dreams, Percy," Annabeth whispered. "After all, YOLO." And the dictionary was launched at the boy's head.

* * *

4 hours later...

Leo woke up on the floor, a throbbing ache to his head bothering him. _What the heck? _he thought. _Did the fangirls find me?_ Then the earlier events came back to him, and devastation hit Leo like Frank's fist. _Now how can I watch PLL? _Leo began to get up, but tripped on something. The dictionary Annabeth had flung at his head was laying open. Not on any random page... the A section. Leo's screams echoed the ship.


	4. Percy meets Relatives

**A/N Thursday is for Thaumas. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson characters, settings or event.**

Because of Leo's temporary recovery session due to the incident on Wednesday, the Argo 2 became rather off track. Percy watched his girlfriend... _attempt_ to direct the ship, but frankly, she barely knew what everything was, much less how to work it.

"Well this button looks good..." Annabeth muttered. She pressed down on the red latch, causing the ship to turn 21 degrees north and flip upside down. Percy knew better than to say anything.

"ANNABETH DON'T YOU _DARE_ DESTROY MY SHIP!" Leo's voice rang from downstairs. After hitting a few more random switches, the Argo was back to its respective position.

* * *

A few hours (and numerous accidents) later, Percy declared that with the currents, the Argo 2 was a two day journey away from CHB. The crew, after such constant stress from the war against Gaia, showed a mixture of emotions. The next few days could mean the division of the two camps; therefore, the division of the Seven. Or, everything could go smoothly and _la di dah _the two camps could manage to not engage in a full on war. By now, however, the demigods knew better than to hope for the easy route.

As if confirming that thought, the ship made a very loud creaking noise. Everyone ran to the top of the ship, and were rewarded with a very cheerful god leaning casually on the mast. He was currently 10 feet tall, a dazzling smile stretching across his face that reminded Percy of Apollo's. He was dressed in a sleek navy blue suit, brief shadows of corals and whirlwinds and other underwater wonders dancing across the pattern.

"Hello," Percy said. "Let's get right to the point. Are you trying to kill us?"

The god laughed. "Sassy as they say, Percy Jackson. Do you know who I am?" Everyone looked to Annabeth. She grumbled in fake annoyance, but was secretly pleased that she was needed.

"You're Thaumas, the god of the wonders of the sea. Married to Electra, father of Iris, Arke and the Harpies."

The god looked pleased. "Very good, Annabeth Chase. My name has been buried and forgotten ever since the Olympians took power, even though my presence in the ocean has never ceased to exist. Although your father," he turned to look at Percy, "likes to pretend it has."

At this point, no one knew what was going on. No god had ever stopped in for a chat without giving them even more riddles to solve (and they call it _guidance_!) or attempting to defeat them very painfully. Small talk wasn't something they were familiar with.

"So..." Leo began, the awkward silence activating his ADHD. Thaumas didn't really pick up on this fairly obvious social cue, and kept on grinning at Percy. This made Percy very uncomfortable. "Is there a reason you're here?"

"What, do gods need a reason to check-up with family?" Thaumas demanded, seemingly hurt.

"Yes." Everyone said. Thaumas sighed.

"Well, I guess you could say I'm here for my mother. She called me last night, squawking about how bad a son I was, letting her demigod nemesis just "swagger their way through sea territory without feeding them to my pet sea-monster, Jimmy." Apparently my father, Pontus, would be very disappointed."

"Please don't tell me your mother is Dirt Face," Leo said, his hands unconsciously catching fire. Thaumas sent him an apologetic look.

"If it makes you feel better, I was planning on just staying at home and watching a Vampire Diaries marathon. But _of course_, my wife Electra kicked me out, muttering something about wanting to look like the perfect daughter-in-law." He shivered. "Women."

"Is, by any chance, Jimmy here with you?" Jason asked, secretly hoping it wasn't another giant turtle. He didn't like giant turtles.

"Yup!" the god said, pride for his monster evident on his face. "He's growing up so fast! Already big enough for daddy to take him on demigod eating adventures!" The god turned around and yelled "JIMMY, COME HERE BOY!"

It was perhaps one of the ugliest creatures Percy had ever seen. It looked like a mixture of a crab, praying-mantis and turtle, its sand colored shell glistening in the sun. Its eyes were huge, going back and forth between the demigods as if deciding which would taste the best. Percy couldn't help but notice that it kept looking back at Frank. Oh, and if he forgot to mention, the thing was the same size as the Argo 2.

"It's a giant isopod," Annabeth breathed. Thaumas nodded.

"Now, hate to be rude," the god began, flashing another wonder filled smile. "I really want to go watch my marathon. So I'll let Jimmy deal with the messy process of killing you. And before I forget, I'm taking Percy home. It's fun annoying Poseidon."

And with that, Thaumas and a very scared looking Percy disappeared. Jimmy turned slowly to face them.

"Erm, Annabeth," Piper began. "Any idea how to kill this thing?"

Unfortunately for the crew, Annabeth was now curled up in a ball of self-despair over losing Percy.

Fortunately for the crew, this gave Hazel an idea. "GUYS!" she screamed. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

**A/N No zit Sherlock. Anyways, ever since the... ****_occurrence-that-shall-not-be-named _****on Monday, everyone was rather wary of Hazel. **

"See how it's protected by shell? We need it to uncurl so Frank can get a clear shot at its belly," she said.

Leo, who was first to get over the fact Hazel had said anything that didn't involve the eternal torture of Siri, asked, "And how do we do that?"

The daughter of Pluto smiled evilly, uttering a single word. "Festus."

* * *

And Jimmy was defeated. Since we all know what happens in battles with the Seven, the Fates have decided not to go into great detail. Needless to say, Festus breathed fire, Frank fired an arrow and Jimmy went back to Tartarus. Yay.

Now, the Seven were lost about how to get Percy back. Even Jason, who didn't particularly like the guy, realized his Operation; Perico couldn't move forward without him. Annabeth was still curled up in her ball of self-despair, shaking as tears carved invisible scars down her face. In all, they decided to keep going, hoping to lure Thaumas with the meddlesome fact that Jimmy didn't eat them.

* * *

It took about 5 minutes before the same god was leaning against the mast once again, his quirky smile replaced with a very annoyed expression. Percy was still clutched in his fist.

"So, you didn't let Jimmy have his mid-afternoon snack, did you? Well, I suppose I better finish you off. Although I must say, it was extremely impolite of you to interrupt my VD marathon."

Right as Thaumas prepared to strike the ship, our favorite son of Hades appeared. The two became engaged in a glaring competition. "Winner gets all," Nico whispered.

Now, although most of the crew figured it was for the safe passage of the ship, Jason (and Piper... and Frank) knew differently. Nico was fighting Thaumas for Percy. What an overprotective little squirt!

Finally, Nico unleashed his death glare. Thaumas cowered, threw Percy into Nico's arms and sunk below the surface, shivering in fear. But in a moment of pure fury, the god unleashed a wave that sent the ship spinning miles off course as Leo tried hopelessly to regain control. It was hours later when he did.

"Where are we?" Annabeth asked, her head still stuck in a spinning motion. Hazel was currently throwing up.

Leo looked up, his beautiful eyes betraying the terror that had claimed him.

"Canada," he whispered.

**A/N: This will be continued in the next chapter. I'm not leaving them stranded in Canada.**


	5. Franks visits Canada

**A/N: Please note that gluten elbows is from Canada. The stereotypes in this chapter are purely humorous. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson settings, characters or events. Only Francois ze crab. **

Story 5 : Frank returns to Canada

_From chapter 4: "Where are we?" Annabeth asked, her head still stuck in a spinning motion. Hazel was currently throwing up. _

_Leo looked up, his beautiful eyes betraying the terror that had claimed him. _

_"__Canada," he whispered._

Chapter 5:

The city in the distance loomed closer, every wave pushing the Argo 2 farther into the harbor. The crew stood on the deck, mouths open in a silent scream. Their eyes scanned the horizon, presumably on look-out for beavers, maple syrup and Tim Hortons.

"Leo, turn the ship around," Percy begged, fluttering his eyelashes. Leo was rather disgusted with his flirting.

"No, the ship needs repairs. Thaumas made sure of that," he said.

"But... we can't go to _Canada_!" Jason began, clearly on the verge of tears. "They'll FIND ME!"

"Who's gonna find you?" Piper asked, concerned for he boyfriend.

"The..." Jason stuttered, "The mounties." The mental image of red-clothed police mounted upon horses sent a shiver slithering down his spine.

"Come on, guys! Canada's great!" Frank began, clearly not pleased with his friends' rest of the crew exchanged wary looks.

"Last time I was here," Percy said, "We were on our way to free a crazy death lord."

"Last time I was here," Jason continued, "A crazy ice princess wanted to turn me into a popsicle."

Frank wasn't quite sure how to proceed. Sure, there might be some... not so pleasant parts in the country, but overall, it was pretty great. _At least we have free health care! _Frank thought.

Eventually, Leo had the Argo 2 docked. After a bit a coaxing the crew off, and dragging Percy and Jason's unconscious bodies, 8 demigods stood on the shores of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

"We need to split up," Annabeth said. "Leo, Jason, Hazel and myself will get supplies for the ship. Nico, Percy, Frank and Piper will go get food."

The two groups set off in their separate directions, the supply group looking around warily for a familiar Home Hardware. After searching the town's streets for what felt like three hours (it was more like 10 minutes but who's counting?), they came across a triangular, vaguely strawberry-like sign.

"Canadian Tire," Leo whispered, reading the print on the storefront and reaching out to reverently stroke it. Seeing as the sign was at least a good fifteen feet above him, he ended up he just ended up waving his hand around in the air.

"Leo, no. Stop that." Jason said, grabbing Leo's arm and attempting to bring in back down. Unfortunately, a customer from inside chose that moment to whip open the door, smashing the son of Hephaestus into the brick wall. Leo fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Oh! Sorry aboot that!" the customer said from atop his thoroughbred Hanoverian stallion. His scarlet uniform practically glowed in the midday sun, the light casting a slight halo around his wide-brimmed hat.

Annabeth looked at him in awe. "Are you a Mountie? Part of the RMCP?" she stuttered.

He cast her an Olympus sent smile. "Yes m'lady," he said, tipping his hat towards her. Annabeth swooned, falling into Hazel's arms.

_Operation: Perico... the owl has taken off, _Jason thought, too distracted with his schemes to worry about the mountie next to him. _The crow is safe for landing._

"Have a good day, eh?" The Mountie trotted off, after sending a suspicious glance at Jason.

Meanwhile, the food group was observing the surroundings with caution while taking cover in a bush.

"Guys, you can come out now," Frank said, waving at the tourists who sent strange looks and steered clear of the demigods.

"Something's not right, Frank... Where's all the snow?" Percy asked, nervously looking around the street that was mysteriously clear of ice and snow. "Why is it so _warm_?"

"And... why are there _people_? NOT WEARING FLANEL AND TUQUES!" Piper demanded, not accepting the fact that Canadians were allowed to dress like normal people.

"A... A BEAVER!" Nico shrieked, pointing to a short brown-haired dog. Frank contemplated ditching these idiots and pretending he didn't know the strange demigods.

"Percy, it's August. Piper, not everybody here's a lumberjack. Nico, that's a dog. Now, guys, we really need to go get food."

Frank spent a couple of minutes coaxing them out of the bushes with promises of maple syrup. Surprisingly, it didn't work. _That usually motivates people, _Frank thought. After pointing out that the sooner they co-operated, the sooner they would leave Halifax, Percy, Nico and Piper came scrambling out. Now came the issue of where to go.

"Let's just find a McDonald's and be done with it," Piper proposed. Frank gasped, obviously offended by the mere _idea _of eating McDonald's instead of some quality poutine. _Real food. _

As if reading his thoughts, Percy cut Frank off before he could protest and suggest the trifecta of fries, gravy and cheese. "We're not getting poutine, dude."

"Aw c'mon, Percy," Frank whined.

"No. That stuff looks nasty, alright?"

"Fine. There's a Tim Hortons up ahead anyway, we can just grab something there."

The American demi-gods all shuttered in horror.

"Tim... Tim Horton's?" Percy asked, visibly shuttering. "No.. never." Nico and Piper shook their heads.

Frank had to drag them thrashing, screaming and sobbing into the Tim's five feet away.

Leo, now conscious, was excitedly running up and down the aisles of the Canadian Tire, grabbing things off the shelves and singing some song about wrenches.

"Leo, put those carpet samples down. We're repairing, not redecorating," Annabeth said, grabbing the square of hot pink shag carpet from his hands and putting it back on the rack.

Hazel and Jason had hidden behind a patio set and were vigilantly looking out for any stray moose that had wandered into the store to pick up some varnish for their antlers.

"See any yet?" Hazel whispered, shielding herself with a striped cushion.

"No," Jason replied, inconspicuously wearing a hardhat. "But don't let your guard down."

Annabeth sighed. "Leo, do you have everything you need?" she asked.

Leo hesitated. "What if I said I _needed _these fabulous polka-dotted carpet sampl-"

He stopped as Annabeth turned her head creepily to face him. "What was that?"

"Nothing," he replied, already sprinting to the cash register.

Jason and Hazel crept out from underneath the table to meet the rest of the group at the cash, before attempting some kind of Mission Impossible-type stunts and backflipping over a row of tricycles.

Leo unloaded the supplies from the shopping cart, putting them up on the counter.

"Nice plywood, kid," the cashier said, a big, burly man with a... metal leg?

"Dad?" Leo asked, recognizing Hephaestus.

"I'm here to warn you," the god began, "About the enemies outside."

Jason shivered involuntarily.

"You ok there, Jason?" Annabeth asked, her eyes calculating.

"Er... the air conditioning. Coldness. Ice cool. _Like me._"

Suddenly, the doors shattered, and a freezing burst of winter air invaded the store.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, INFIDEL?" a female voice screeched.

Hephaestus sighed. "Well there's part of your problem. Adios!"

"But..." Leo began, yet the god had already disappeared. However, a certain goddess had taken his place.

"Hello Jason," Khione said, a blizzard encasing her figure. "Tu es foutu."

The demigods ran out of the store.

Percy, Piper, Nico and Frank had finished the food run. While Nico and Piper munched on strawberry timbits (and Percy pouted over the lack of blue ones), screaming echoed over the harbor. Correction: screeching.

"OH MY GODS! IT'S PERCY! TAKE HIS SHIRT!" A mob of teenage girls poured out of the terrifying replica of Theodore Tugboat, flooding the boardwalk.

"I CALL NICO! HE'S MINE, YOU HEAR ME? **_MINE!_**"

"FRANK! FRANK! FRANK! FRANK FRANK!"

"PIPER, GIVE ME JASON AND I'LL LET YOU LIVE!"

The group sprinted in the direction of the Argo 2, the fangirls in hot pursuit and chucking novel-length fanfictions at their heads.

_Perico? _Percy thought right as a similarly titled hardcover volume nailed him in the head, knocking him backwards into the water. The shoelaces of Nico's shoes had come untied during the chase (they'd been lose to start with), and as Nico swerved to avoid a small, Quebecois crab named François, he tripped over them and fell into the harbour.

"Sacre bleu!" François swore, scooting under a bench as to not get trampled the horde of fans.

The son of Hades began to panic as a sizable wave crashed over him, momentarily trapping him below the surface.

"I'm too beautiful to die..." he whispered as he sank further into the murky water, not even bothering to swim.

Annabeth, Leo, Hazel and Jason dashed down the streets of the city, an angry snow goddess summoning a blizzard behind them. However, as usual, luck was not with them. Awaiting them at the Argo's docking place was a fleet of Mounties, shotguns all pointed at one person: Jason.

"Thought you could escape us, eh?" the mountie from Canadian Tire said.

"Now, Nick..." Jason began, but was cut off.

"Don't you _Nick _me, young man. You have insulted our honor, and will pay for your treasonous words against the country of Canada. A crime punishable by death; death by beaver."

Annabeth scooted closer to Jason. "What did you do, Grace," she whispered harshly, casting glances behind her where Khione would soon arrive.

"I..." he said, gulping. "I kinda dissed hockey."

Annabeth groaned, putting her face in her hands. _We have no hope, _she thought.

Suddenly, Leo called out. "Festus! Start the Argo!"

The mounties looked at the Latino suspiciously. However, Annabeth knew she could deal with that.

"Mental affliction," she answered, sending a sympathetic glance to Leo. And then the ship's engines roared to life.

Jason, remembering the insignificant fact that he could fly, grabbed Annabeth, Leo and Hazel and made it to the mast. Bullet flew past them, missing them mere millimeters. But alas, they were unharmed.

Leo ran to the engine room, and steered the ship out of the dock, while the others were on lookout for the "food group." It only took a few seconds to locate Nico, who was screaming as he fought to stay afloat in the ocean, and Percy, who was trying to get him calm down.

_Perico, _Jason thought giddily. _It's real after all. _

After hauling them out of the water, they quickly picked up Piper and Frank, who joined the crew bearing hot chocolate and timbits.

Just as the Argo left the harbor safe and sound, screams of rage rang loud and clear. Khione, the mounties and the fangirls swore vengeance upon the demigods, crowding on the docks.

And the demigods münched on timbits as the Argo sailed towards New York.

**A/N: Please review. We won't send the Mounties after you. **


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